House of Pain
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
2:46PM - oops.
I was out hanging laundry when a vehicle I didn't recognise pulled onto the lot next to mine.
Guy got out of his truck and started beating around the bushes. I didn't recognize him, so I hollared "HEY, YOU! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT THA HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?"
Turns out it was the guy that owns both my lot and all the others around here. He was glad I'm territorial. I'm embarrassed I didn't recognize him until I was close enough to brain him with my cane.
It is seriously past time for us to buy a house I can put a big ol' fence around, if not for my security, at least for public safety.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
10:25AM - A Wedding Update
I have gotten much done since my last update.
I have secured Chem Cell as our venue, including signing the application and sending in the check. We met with the officiant and paid her in advance. I hired the caterer, decided on a menu, and sent in a deposit. I printed the invitations and addressed and mailed the majority of them.
All that is left to do is settle on decor, make escort/goodie bags, pay for my gown, get Carl to the suit/tuxedo shop, pay for the flowers, buy the adult beverages, pick up the rings, and figure out the music.
The menu for the event is:
Refreshments upon arrival of fruit skewers, pimento cheese points, lemonade, champagne punch, iced tea, and water.
Then a cocktail hour with an amazing fruit tower, assorted cheeses and crackers, and the same beverages as the refreshments.
Then, finally, for dinner, a buffet with a tossed garden salad, cucumber and tomato salad, roast beef with burgandy mushroom sauce and egg noodles, medallions of chicken breast in a wine sauce, roasted garlic buttered fingerling potatoes, roasted seasonal veggies. Whipped butter and homemade yeast rolls.
Once everyone has digested all of that, it's time for wedding cake, more punch, coffee, and more visiting with everyone.
Is it June yet? I'm dying to get this party started!
excitedWednesday, March 20, 2013
10:56PM - failing vision
My eyesight is becoming noticeably bad. I have constantly doubled or watery vision. Facial recognition at 5 feet away is nearly impossible, and reading is a serious chore.
This is very frustrating to me right now, as I am my acting wedding coordinator, planner, and all aroung fetters of things done. I have to be able to read proposals and contracts. Carl is unavailable to read for me as I get the most done while he is sleeping.
I want to give up on trying to do stuff because the vision thing makes picking out invitations, decorations, dresses, flowers such a task and Carl can't help me "see" stuff.
I have one more flower appointment tomorrow. I'm gonna tell the guy what I can spend, that I want to KISS, and go from there.
I also absolutely, positively MUST pick out the invites and print them no later than Friday.
frustratedMonday, March 18, 2013
5:06PM - Wedding Bell Blues.
I have jumped a major hurdle in this wedding planning. I have secured a beautiful venue. The caretaker is sending me the application so I can pay the $550 (that includes $200 damage deposit). This is a HUGE weight off my shoulders.
Now, all I need to do is print the invites, suit Carl and Will up, figure out the music and food, and we're all set.
excitedThursday, March 14, 2013
7:20AM - Rough Seas Ahead
Alrighty then.
I am slipping into a manic episode. I acknowledge this, and I know why. I am nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
And it's only going to get worse. I was just fiddling around, checking out the cost of mine and Carl's two day honeymoon. Wow. Not happening. It's hard for me to let it go, honestly. We get no time to ourselves with no responsibilities, ever. We have just about zero privacy. We can't even have an adult conversation without someone interjecting their two cent's worth.
I keep trying to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. I have also told myself that I will be fine once everything is paid for, the invitations mailed out, etc. I am also not going to be mad at myself for having a nervous tummy. It's expected of me right now.
Matter-of-fact, I feel a little better now that I've barfed. And the sun is coming up, and the birds are singing. So there. My little problems are not earth shattering.
disappointedWednesday, March 13, 2013
6:28PM - Wedding Progress
I am taking it easy today on the wedding planning. There's not much I can do until there's more cash in my pocket. I did pick an officiant, at $150, which includes a consultation meeting, filing of the papers, etc. i also spoke to the owner of O'Kane's Pub. Turns out they have a meeting space appropriate to my needs. We are meeting her Sunday to discuss the particulars of costs, but from our conversation this morning, it will be much less expensive than renting a hall, buying the food (and preparing it) and hiring a buffet runner. I feel really good about things.
As for other things, I have totally lost my appetite. Usually, I would look at this as free diet help. Unfortunately, if I lose a ton of weight, my gown will need to be taken in. It's going to cost $150+ to have it hemmed as it is. :/
I am having another symptom of nerves, and that is being weepy at wedding related things, like other people's vows, wedding rings, LACE. Dude. I've gone through half a box of tissues since Monday, just from being misty eyed.
June 9 is both too close and too far away.
giddyTuesday, March 12, 2013
9:28AM - Princess for a Day
I have set my wedding date to June 9, 2013.
Originally, this To Do was going to be a casual affair, just celebrating our love and life together. I wanted to just wear a nice dress that I felt pretty in, that wouldn't make me look like an escapee from the circus.
I have ended up in a wedding gown. Oh, this gown! If I didn't know better, I would say the dress was made just for me. It fits perfectly, on my body and my personality. Of course, I completely blew my entire wedding budget. Undergarments, hemming, and pressing, and the dress itself, will be just shy of $1000. I just couldn't believe how beautiful that dress, MY dress, makes me look and feel. I wasn't a fat old lady stuffed into a gown. I was beauty and grace, joy overflowing. I even cried. Me. Ms. Pragmatism and Practicality.
My original plan was to have the wedding and reception at O'kane's Irish Pub. I was originally only going to invite 30 people. This gown, MY gown, wouldn't fit in O'Kane's. So, now I need to find a venue. The latest I can send invitations is the last week of this month. I need to secure a venue with indoor capacity (there is No Way in Hell that dress is going outside).
Mom wants to cater the wedding, and I have agreed to it. Since it's a luncheon, the food will be simple, but filling. It'll be all good, I'm sure of it.
ecstaticFriday, March 8, 2013
5:26PM - one step closer.
I am in an odd place emotionally.
On the one hand, I am Super Excited to soon be free to marry Carl. All these years of imagining our wedding, and soon we'll have a date set, plans made, and vows exchanged.
On the other hand, I'm scared shitless that I'm making another huge mistake, that I don't deserve to marry Carl, and all he'll have is heartbreak and pain after a brief spate of happiness. I'm also just about dead from sticker shock. Holy crap, rings I like are expensive! They aren't even flashy rings.
I'm also stumped on what kind of dress I want to wear. I'm imagining a shift style dress, but princess cut with an A-line skirt. I want long sleeves, a scoop or square neckline that may or may not show cleavage. Think "maid Marion" style dress, only in cotton instead of a more slinky fabric. Also, definitely NOT white. I would wear ballarina style slippers with it.
Meh, back to work combing the interwebs for stuff.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
7:35PM - sugary sweet
So, I asked my intended what are some of the things he wants at his wedding, and "Whatever you want is fine" was not an acceptable answer.
Know what that lunkhead said? He said, "I already have everything I want, sitting right in front of me." I mean, the nerve on this guy! Not only does he get out of making decisions about stuff, but now I can't even get mad at him. ::fumes::
The biggest thing I want is for him to wear a full tartan. He won't, even though we're both of Scottish descent. Meh.
The most important thing is we're going to be legally wed to one another. So long as jeans are nowhere in sight, i'll be well pleased.
annoyedTuesday, March 5, 2013
11:16AM - FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM FINALLY FREEEEEEE!!!!!!
At 10:15 am today, I was declared divorced and free of Derek Charles Teague. Upon the completion of the paperwork's journey through the clerk of court's office, my name shall once again be Ella Maria Young. It will be a very brief thing, as soon there after, I am marrying the Man of my Dreams Carl Joseph Cowin (date to be announced).
So, if the sun shines a little brighter, and the birds sing a little sweeter, this is why. Holy crap, I can't believe I am just that much closer to correcting all of the mistakes I've made over the last 12 years.
ecstaticWednesday, February 27, 2013
10:45PM - Survival.
Many things have happened since my last post.
Jessica got out of the hospital, and within a few days of being home, was breathing clearly.
Next week, I finally get the hearing for my divorce. Two days later, I get to testify on the states behalf against my soon-to-be ex-husband. The day after that, Carl gets to sit jury duty.
Jessica and I also got approved for Medicaid. We can't go see a regular doctor just yet, but Soon we will be insured.
As far as I know, my folks are OK. Dad is all but fully recovered from his stroke, and Mom's cancer is responding to the chemotherapy, even if the cure is killing her, too. I told her she has to stay well enough to see me actually accomplish One Good Thing before she goes. She said that she knows i'll go through with marrying Carl, and that isn't the only good decision I've ever made, just the best one yet.
I still have doubts about whether this is the right thing for Carl, though. I do see in his eyes, every day, that I make him happy. It just feels so... Uneven from my end. He has literally and figuratively saved my and Jessica's lives more than once.
Seems to me, all he gets out of the deal is a warm bed, warm meals, and a tidy house. Sure, we both worship the ground the man walks on, and we tell him every day just how wonderful and amazing he is and how utterly grateful we are for him being him, but is that enough? We both cone with enough baggage to sink the Titanic twice over, and he just shoulders it as easily as if there was no baggage at all.
Saying all of this, I need to be clear. He never once puts either of us on a pedestal, nor ignores our issues. He only wants what we are, what we have to give, and nothing more nor less. I feel the same way about him, completely. Thing is, what he is, and what he can give, is a bottomless well of love and acceptance. His giving is unconditional, for both of us. At the same time, it's not possessive, nor needy, nor desperate.
Looking back on all of my previous relationships, I know why they failed. In each of those men, I was looking for Carl. When they fell short, my contempt for them would become obvious. I would still have feelings of affection for them, but would always come out unsatisfied with what they were willing and or able to give.
I have more to say, but typing one letter at a time on a touch screen, on an outdated mobile phone, is driving me insane.
Peace.
thoughtfulWednesday, February 6, 2013
10:34PM - another update
Jessica is having to stay in the hospital one more night. My sister got me some food and loaned me some money so I could go home, get a shower, and get stuff for Jessica.
I am now on my way back to be with her. Carl is keeping the car. She is doing better, but not as well as I would like her to be doing.
exhaustedThursday, January 3, 2013
10:24AM - Ray of Hope
Dad's MRI results are in, and it was a small stroke. The good news is he's recovering. The bad news is, he has to get deadly serious about changing his ways, and fast. His cholesterol, triglycerides, and overall blood sugar are high enough to make gravy. (mine's no better, but I'm young enough to fix it. I hope.)
In other news, Carl took me out last night and got me sloppy drunk over dinner. It was something I needed so I could let go of my pent up emotions. It is a dangerous game I'm playing with myself by dissociating from the Big Scary Emotions like fear and sadness. Even the happy ones are scary right now, like anticipating my divorce being final and marrying the Love of my life. There is a nasty undercurrent of guilt about having something to be happy about while I watch my parents come to terms with the ending of their happily ever after.
And now, I'm crying like a little bitch, sitting in my car, in the parking garage, as everything is suddenly real. I can't let my folks see me like this right now. Later, when the crisis is over maybe.
contemplativeWednesday, January 2, 2013
4:39PM
Happy Frickin' New Year.
Daddy is in the hospital, having suffered a mini stroke, or brain attack. When I took him in, he was uncoordinated, with very bad speech, and mild confusion. He got quite a bit better after he got there, then started going down again.
He's being transported to Baptist in Jacksonville, where they have more neurologists on staff. The G.P. on staff at the Fernandina hospital was concerned and relieved. His CT scan came back "normal" but that may mean nothing as his condition worsened and then gets better.
I will be taking Mamma down to see him in the morning.
________________________________________
Since this didn't post earlier, I'm posting this now, with a mini update. Daddy is in Baptist Jacksonville, and they are running several different tests to determine just what it is that is causing all of his trouble. Mom is down there with him now, and if my little sister doesn't appear soon to bring Momma some dinner, I'll be bringing her some myself. Mom is still ill herself, fighting lung cancer, and needs all of the support she can get. I only left so she wouldn't be worried about her pets. They've been fed, watered, walked, petted and given attention.
I shall be leaving here soon, either for the hospital or for home, with the intention of coming back here to recheck the pets.
I am tired. I am scared. I am worried.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
12:38PM - friends.
I want a circle of girl friends, preferrably middle-aged housewives with kids in school. I don't know where to find such creatures, since that is no longer the societal norm.
I feel like I am doomed to being Forever Friendless, except for Carl and internet friends. It's hard to have a get-together when everyone I wanna hang out with lives a plane ride away.
lonelySaturday, December 8, 2012
8:49PM - and a good time was had by all
Carl is experiencing the miracle of a whole weekend off. Saturday and Sunday.
It just so happens that the annual Yulee Christmas Parade and Festival was today. So we went. And it was fun. Then we tried to go bowling, but the bowling alley was jammed.
We ended up going to Island Falls Miniature Golf. This adventure miniature golf course is built on an artificial hill to fit 19 holes on a quarter acre in a garden like setting. This is accomplished by many many many flights of steep stairs with attractive handrails made out of marine chains. Attractive, that is, until one becomes detached and lands on my foot as I'm descending these steep stairs.
The language that came out of my mouth at high volume and velocity would have made a sailor blush. It certainly cleared the course of the families with young children.
This happened on the approach to the first putting green. I regained my composure, embarassed that I had been so course, but relieved that there were no bones protruding from my smashed left foot.
As I could bear weight with that foot, I soldiered on through all 50 (it seemed) holes. I managed to only go 40 strokes over par. When we returned to the clubhouse to turn in our clubs I informed the guy of the malfunctioning stair rail. His response was to show us the damaged bolt he knew was missing. Did he apologize? Offer a refund? Ask after my well-being? No. He blamed it on previous customers vandalizing the property and his malfunctioning welding machine.
My foot hurts very much right now. I have a big ol' blackening lump where the chain hit my foot. I have ice on it and will use heat in a bit. Fuuuuuuuuck it hurts.
aggravatedTuesday, December 4, 2012
9:13PM - I'm working on it.
I went to the courthouse today to pick up the application for a divorce.
256 pages.
Two hundred fifty six pages.
Granted, there are a lot of instructional pages that are repetitive. That still leaves me with about a half fuck ton of paper to wade through. There are some things I have no idea how to explain, like not having my own income, but not needing any child support from Derek.
I had a packet filled out already, but it has gone missing. I have torn this house apart looking for it, but it's just gone.
Anyway, I better get back at it.
anxiousWednesday, November 21, 2012
8:32AM - i don't have time for this.
Seriously. I have things to do. I have places to go. But, I can't right now, because I can barely see. My vision wad "fine" last night when I went to bed. When I woke up this morning, my left eye was on fire and the vision in that eye is like looking down an old coke bottle and trying to read the newspaper. My left eye is so dry my eyelid gets stuck halfway through a blink.
And then there's my right eye. The vision in that eye is shitty on a good day. Today, that eye is like trying to see through a fogged up windshield smeared with grease. I have flooded them with Visine Allergy. I have drowned them in eyewash. I have put cold and hot compresses on them.
I want to go running to the eye doctor, but I can't see to drive and Carl just went to bed. When I looked at them in a magnifying mirror, there was no redness, swelling, etc. Just two bright blue eyes.
This is seriously frustrating and annoying.
annoyedThursday, November 8, 2012
5:52PM - Good News!
Momma got her chest tube out this evening!
I also won the lottery! We are now $4-aires. A gallon of gas and a pack of gum, and we're set for hours.
happy11:47AM - The New Normal
Mom news: Momma is still in the hospital, still with a leaky lung. Momma is improving Very Slowly. Her spirit is flagging a little, as would anyone's who was confined to their bed in a hospital. I sent Momma a pretty mum (her favorite flower) with Daddy since I can't make it up to the hospital.
In me news, my pain levels have subsided to a dull roar and I am "over" the worst of the flu. After two attempts, I finally have a functioning smart phone. I can surf LiveJournal again, when I have a good enough signal. I lost all of my contacts because I refused to store them on Google. Lesson learned, I guess. Another thing about this phone: it works even better than the original phone, even though it's a reconditioned one of the exact same model. Come time for an upgrade, i'll be switching to a Samsung.
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